Trouble is my middle name. I cannot sit down and be a good girl, and my capacity to stir up things is beyond my own comprehension. Not all is bad however. This nature of mine has developed skills for damage control. Appeal and apology.
In self-justification, one of the reasons why I seem to override all hierarchy and protocols when I need to get something done is – I cannot tolerate people who waste my time. I have gotten into trouble for this before, and it gets me frustrated sometimes when people don’t take me seriously. I’m not somebody to do something without reason. Even if I don’t happen to find one at the moment of execution, the reason would present itself at the end of the day.
Second, people make assumptions of me. It is flattering to have people thinking you’re larger than life, but it invites a whole host of negativities – anger, jealousy, dissatisfaction, resentment. I could use the silent confusion to my advantage, but I have yet to develop the meanness for it. It could be that, or I am simply putting restrain on my full abilities albeit unconsciously.
The incomprehensible capacity for chaos most probably stems from my own overflowing enthusiasm. I would probably explode with energy if I don’t transform the enthusiasm into something else. For now, I’m trying to develop some immense enthusiasm towards my academic matters, but it is still at beta stage and prone to glitches.
In Malay, one sentence to describe me would be – Tak makan saman! (doesn’t give a shit). I really need to find something or somebody who can help me tune all this excess energy into productivity. I’m a fireball of energy damnit!